Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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