Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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