it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Randomize
