Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
