Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
