It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Randomize
