I think im going to throw up on grandma
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
As shirtless as possible
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
