just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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