Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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