We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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