you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
