If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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