There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
