well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
