I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Come see our sink grown plant.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
