dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
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