I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
