Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
