There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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