I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Randomize
