dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
