Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
