So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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