Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
she pinky promised me she was 18
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
