I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Randomize
