My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize