a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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