If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
