Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
