I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize