I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
