I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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