I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
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