we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I don't deserve a penis
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
