The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
You're so nebulous sometimes
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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