if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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