Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Randomize