too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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