you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
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