dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
