I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
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