Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
