i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
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