Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
foreskin is a definite game changer
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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