Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
