Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
why does every cop we meet know your name?
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
