I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
