I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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