Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
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