I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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