i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
