my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
