I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
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