dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Randomize
