Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
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