There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
