fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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