I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
