there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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