I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
