I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
