OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
im gay
i know
yea but for you.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Randomize
