someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
