hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
My penis needs a shock collar
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
